And then we being to mirror the manner
of two people passing in the night
bumping up against fate on their way
to their destinies.
I had my doctor upgrade me to 300mg of buproprion (wellbutrin), of which I took the first this morning. Similar to my speedy reaction to the first dose of 150mg, I felt markedly different today. Which is good, considering the events that have occurred, since that doctor visit.
I’m going to digress for a moment here, to say that, it’s almost as if clearing the nightmare clutter of intrusive thoughts (which is another blog post) out of the forefront of my mind, has led to me to a better self-awareness. With all the distraction gone, I can finally get back to me. Let me tell you, I’m tired. Seriously. Emotionally, mentally, physically tired. I wish I could stop time just so I could take a nap.
I’ve actually decided that I’m too tired to be writing this blog post right now, and my judgment may not be solid, in regards to topics of discussion, so I’m going to err on the side of caution and log off.
(P.S. Sean Seay has some excellent articles I found on Pure-O OCD here and here.)
I saw this commercial for an electric car while watching Hulu today (Awkward). My immediate thought was “How would you power an electric car if there was an apocalypse?”. This is why I love the internet, because it lets me know my weird thoughts have company:
10 Vehicles for the Apocalypse
10 Best Vehicles to Survive the Apocalypse
10 Bet Ways to Maintain Your Car in an Apocalypse
10 Worst Vehicles During a Zombie Apocalypse
Then, I started wondering, with how electronically-driven things are these days, how would you get gas out of a gas pump during an apocalypse? Would our credit cards still work up to a point? How long would banking be effective without people at the helm? Would we have to break into gas pumps somehow? Again, the internet:
(I fell down a Google rabbit-hole of hypothetical apocalypse scenarios here.)
But none of that matters anymore, because of this:
5 Things Every Movie gets Wrong about Apocalypse
One of the aggravating things that I do to myself (involuntarily) is actively participate in dehydration. Basically, I become thirsty, but my brain doesn’t really want to acknowledge this is happening, so I don’t notice it. After a while, when I’m starting to become very thirsty, part of me gives a little poke and says “Hey, you know what the problem is? You’re thirsty!” and the other part of me kind of leans on the wall tiredly and says “You’re probably right.” but then refuses to do anything about it. Then, inevitably, I become EXTREMELY THIRSTY, almost to the point of wanting to attack someone. The logical part of me is basically screaming in the crazy part’s face “You’re thirsty, you idiot! Drink something! DRINK SOME DAMN WATER.” and the other part of me is all in a puddle on the floor (a la Sadness from Inside Out) moaning about how terrible I feel and why is it so difficult to drink something.
Which, of course, is not a difficult thing at all. I have multiple avenues of liquid refreshment at my fingertips; I just can’t get my damn brain to cooperate enough to actually make the drinking happen. So, I just sit around getting angry at myself (and the world) because I’m really thirsty but for some reason I can’t drink anything. When I finally, finally, manage to sludge through the barrier enough to actually get something to drink, I chug as much as possible, because I know, I know, that it might be a long time until I drink something again.
This has become a rather disturbing state of affairs, recently, which is one of the multitude of reasons I’m asking my doctor about upping my buproprion on Friday. I resisted for a while and now I’m pretty damn sure I need to get my butt in gear about it, because I am not right, again. When it gets to the point where I’m wandering around, squinting at things on store shelves and having an inner monologue that’s just repeating over and over “Something is wrong with me.“, I know it’s time to get some help with things. Plus, the OCD is encroaching again; I spent too much time this morning weeping on the couch about how terrible I would feel if I lost my 4 year old daughter. Why? Mainly because my brain decided to suggest that as the topic for a morning meditation. Why not, right?
Also, this is how I feel watching the numbers for how many states that cretin is currently winning in the primaries: