One of the aggravating things that I do to myself (involuntarily) is actively participate in dehydration. Basically, I become thirsty, but my brain doesn’t really want to acknowledge this is happening, so I don’t notice it. After a while, when I’m starting to become very thirsty, part of me gives a little poke and says “Hey, you know what the problem is? You’re thirsty!” and the other part of me kind of leans on the wall tiredly and says “You’re probably right.” but then refuses to do anything about it. Then, inevitably, I become EXTREMELY THIRSTY, almost to the point of wanting to attack someone. The logical part of me is basically screaming in the crazy part’s face “You’re thirsty, you idiot! Drink something! DRINK SOME DAMN WATER.” and the other part of me is all in a puddle on the floor (a la Sadness from Inside Out) moaning about how terrible I feel and why is it so difficult to drink something.
Which, of course, is not a difficult thing at all. I have multiple avenues of liquid refreshment at my fingertips; I just can’t get my damn brain to cooperate enough to actually make the drinking happen. So, I just sit around getting angry at myself (and the world) because I’m really thirsty but for some reason I can’t drink anything. When I finally, finally, manage to sludge through the barrier enough to actually get something to drink, I chug as much as possible, because I know, I know, that it might be a long time until I drink something again.
This has become a rather disturbing state of affairs, recently, which is one of the multitude of reasons I’m asking my doctor about upping my buproprion on Friday. I resisted for a while and now I’m pretty damn sure I need to get my butt in gear about it, because I am not right, again. When it gets to the point where I’m wandering around, squinting at things on store shelves and having an inner monologue that’s just repeating over and over “Something is wrong with me.“, I know it’s time to get some help with things. Plus, the OCD is encroaching again; I spent too much time this morning weeping on the couch about how terrible I would feel if I lost my 4 year old daughter. Why? Mainly because my brain decided to suggest that as the topic for a morning meditation. Why not, right?
Also, this is how I feel watching the numbers for how many states that cretin is currently winning in the primaries: