My Ass is on Fire

Sheeewt! It’s been a minute since I have had any kind of inspiration to write, and boy did I get a lot of it. There has been a stirring inside me for a long time, a few years. But I masked it hard. Antidepressants and anxiety medications numbed me and made me forget everything around me and everything I was doing. But it was so much easier to walk around medicated, even though I still felt terrible, than listen to my heart. I truly thought there would be no end to it- at least not an end like this.

I had heard, not audibly nor from my brain, “Wake up,” many times over the past year or so. It was almost like a chorus of ethereal voices getting louder and louder as it said the words. I noted it, but didn’t really know what to do with it.

A few days into this rebirth, I woke up thirty minutes before my alarm went off because Louise was calling, “Mommy… Mom,” from her room. She said it in that sleepy, slightly whiny voice that is definitely hers. I got up and went to her room, but she was still sleeping. I kind of knew, then, that I was *waking up*. The very next morning, as my alarm was going off on my phone, I turned over to see Louise standing by my bedside holding my phone. She said, “It’s time to wake up, Mommy.” And I opened my eyes to see my phone on my nightstand.

And then God said, SMACK!!!!! Getchyer ass back here. NOW! Maybe it was because I was about to try yet another cocktail of antidepressants and see a Psychiatrist just so I could adult better. I don’t know.

And at first I didn’t even know it was God at all. I thought it was Reason, actually. Or Bill Burr. But She, in her infinite Wisdom, let me fall for that moment because She needed to destroy everything in my tiny little mind. And destroy it She did; then my mind exploded as She whispered Truth through my bones and brought me back to life. Frantically, my ego-self spun around like a hamster in a wheel. It spun for two weeks and did not stop. Now it’s exhausted, yet rejuvenated.

It was a quick process, although I realize it’s not over, just slowed down (Thank U Jesus). But it happened out of literally nowhere! Yet of course it came from somewhere. I just don’t even know what happened. I was only going my terribly merry way of being sleepy and blind and anxious all the time when BAM! God said, “I remember one time when Irene was 13 and she prayed that I would never let her fall away from Me. But she is drowning now and We gotta throw her something to hold onto.”

And I have not felt such a Peace as this, ever. Ever, ever. I didn’t sleep anymore at bedtime because I was up reading, drinking it all in with a fervent passion I’ve never felt before. I allowed myself to experience different thoughts and perspectives and opinions I never would have allowed myself to, because Irene’s ego so values being well-behaved.  Of course, guilt and fear rode my brain like a mechanical bull, desperately trying to hold on to my identity and worldview. After a couple of days, it felt like my body was a pot of water over fire that was about to boil over and spill out onto everything. Beautiful, Truthful water. I felt like throwing up. Words I didn’t even know I had poured out of me onto pages of notebooks. It was -and is- scary.

I took a day to read and sleep, and I fell in and out of Dreamland, waking up and feeling waves of peace and relaxation spread through my body (physically!), falling back asleep and dreaming more. When I woke up again at 4 p.m, still feeling these sensations of Peace, I really thought I had lost it. That’s when I Googled schizophrenia and called my mom, crying, confessing to her that I was no longer Catholic but I’m something but I don’t even know but don’t worry, Mom, I still believe in Jesus. Later, I watched a documentary about the Spirit Molecule and it terrified me, but left me in awe.

I have found a sacred space and I believe know with all my heart this is where I am supposed to be. I still don’t know what happened. But something certainly did. And I’m just rolling with that shit.




Coming Out…of the Marriage Closet

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This is probably going to sound weird to most of you, but, today my husband showed me that he had put that we were married on FB. (We haven’t actually announced our marriage publicly, but we don’t deny it if asked. It’s just kind of a thing with us, or was.) Anyway, he didn’t change it where it gave a notification, it’s just subtly on the relationship section. Then, however, he said that he wanted me to change my name (to show I took his last name), but that I could do it without making a notification as well. I told him there’s no way that I could do that and people not notice. He argued that sure I could, how would they notice? BECAUSE IT’S A DIFFERENT FREAKING LAST NAME. DUH.

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……and here’s the deal: I’m not ashamed of my new last name, obviously, I chose to take it…..but….but I like seeing my real  original name up there. It’s important to me for reasons I can’t even truly express in words. I don’t want to “give up” my name. I mean, if when I change it, publicly, on social media, I’ll still leave my real original name up there as well, I’ll just add his my (new) last name to the end of it. I’m stalling though. I’m not ready to come out of the marriage closet. I don’t want all the attention that’s going to happen. I want to stay in here where 98% of the world doesn’t know I’m married (yet). I don’t know why. I don’t feel as though I’ve lost myself in my marriage, I feel like I’ve gained a lot of new joys in life through this process, but…..but there’s still a reticence in me in regards to providing society with the fodder of thinking I belong to someone.

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I don’t know, but, there you have it.

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  • S.L.